MSPs in stooshie

by Martin McCallister

Tensions overflowed in a stooshie last night in The World’s End Pub in Edinburgh, when a show of extreme Scottishness broke out amongst the main parties at Holyrood. The SNP members reportedly started the nationalist pride argument when they accused their unionist counterparts of being ashamed of their Scottishness.

All five SNP MSPs demonstrated that they had tartan upon their person, in the form of a woolen tie, a tammy, a hankie, a pair of royal stewart breeks, and underpants. A whisky drinking challenge was issued by a Liberal Democrat and bevvy-based carnage ensued.

A Labour politician threatened the SNP spokesperson with “a good doing”. Then the SNP member accused him of associating Scottish-ness with mindless violence, to which the Glaswegian responded with a punch in the mouth. Blood spurted over the nationalist coupon, preventing him from eating his Cock-a-leekie soup.

The younger of the two Tory members stepped to his nearby Old Town flat, returning in full family tartan and armed with bagpipes. The Liberal politician, who comprises 20% of the party’s representation at Holyrood, ran to a nearby gift shop returning with bars of Highland Toffee which he doled out to the drinkers.

A ScotNat poured a pint of heavy over a Unionist’s heid who responded by boaking all over his attacker’s tunic.

The Nat called him a “Dunderheid Sassenach” and skelped him against the windae. Auld Reekie had never seen the likes.

By now, the SNP strategy was to use as many Scottish words as possible, a policy they have often used through the years. The stramash ended when all elected representatives were ejected and ordered hame to their respective scratchers. The SNP MSPs stoated off up High Street in the general direction of the castle and the unionists sauntered down towards Holyrood.

As of this morning, none of the MSPs involved were available for comment and their bedroom blinds were drawn.

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