by Martin McCallister
Tensions overflowed in a stooshie last night in The
World’s End Pub in Edinburgh, when a show of extreme Scottishness
broke out amongst the main parties at Holyrood. The SNP members
reportedly started the nationalist pride argument when they accused
their unionist counterparts of being ashamed of their Scottishness.
All five SNP MSPs demonstrated that they had tartan
upon their person, in the form of a woolen tie, a tammy, a hankie,
a pair of royal stewart breeks, and underpants. A whisky drinking
challenge was issued by a Liberal Democrat and bevvy-based carnage
A Labour politician threatened the SNP spokesperson
with “a good doing”. Then the SNP member accused him
of associating Scottish-ness with mindless violence, to which the
Glaswegian responded with a punch in the mouth. Blood spurted over
the nationalist coupon, preventing him from eating his Cock-a-leekie
of the two Tory members stepped to his nearby Old Town flat, returning
in full family tartan and armed with bagpipes. The Liberal politician,
who comprises 20% of the party’s representation at Holyrood,
ran to a nearby gift shop returning with bars of Highland Toffee
which he doled out to the drinkers.
A ScotNat poured a pint of heavy over a Unionist’s
heid who responded by boaking all over his attacker’s tunic.
The Nat called him a “Dunderheid Sassenach”
and skelped him against the windae. Auld Reekie had never seen the
By now, the SNP strategy was to use as many Scottish
words as possible, a policy they have often used through the years.
The stramash ended when all elected representatives were ejected
and ordered hame to their respective scratchers. The SNP MSPs stoated
off up High Street in the general direction of the castle and the
unionists sauntered down towards Holyrood.
As of this morning, none of the MSPs involved were
available for comment and their bedroom blinds were drawn.