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Edition #13
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Seonaid Divine
Hi! I'm Seonaid. Lifestyle editor and party girl. Read my personal blog of anguish and love here

"Like Bridget Jones for Goths"
Emo Digest


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Seonaid

FAMEWATCH

Cheryl Cole just about everywhere you look.

Ant and Dec returning a giant strip light to Homebase.

Scotland's First Minister Alex Salmond in a backstreet colonic irrigation clinic.

Glamour- breasted Jordan giving succour to trade unionists.

Justin Timberlake choking a dog to death after it leapt from a nearby handbag and startled him.

Donald Trump using his hair to ward off a djinn.

Shopping with Seonaid

Summa-Time Tan Pillow
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Simply fall asleep on the Summa-Time Tan Pillow and wake up tanned and gorgeous. The Summa-Time Tan Pillow permeates your skin with a non-intrusive pigmentation alloy which gently soothes and tans while you sleep.

iPhone Bloat Beater

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This cool iPhone app tracks your bloat and cancels your social arrangements if bloating reaches critical levels. A must-have.

Winter Cocktails
The must-drink cocktails to chase away the winter blues!

Cosmopolitan

Sex on the beach

Sex on the airplane

Slippery nipple

Sweating priest

Slow comfortable finger between the toes

A long exhausting romp with a sybaritic fireman

Panting spaniel

Discarded hosiery

Provisional government of the fledgling republic

Max.20W 12V Halogen Bulb


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HOLIDAY ROMANCE?


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TARA JONES - SEX COLUMNIST OF THE YEAR
Tara Jones is a qualified sex expert whose forthright views on human sexuality have caused her to be arrested four times. Her racy exploits in the sex dens of Europe formed the basis of her controversial best-seller biography "Stroke".

Tara now writes exclusively for wreckered magazine. In part five of her exclusive sex survey, Tara speaks to women who had sex this summer with strangers on vacation.


ISOBEL (28, Events Organiser)
I met Johann on a beach in Goa. He was comatose, but had taken four Viagra before falling asleep. Technically, I'm a rapist.

CAROL (30, PR)
I did it with a young guy who rented out deckchairs on Brighton beach. The positions he bent me in defied geometry.

ALISON (22, TV researcher)
He chatted me up in a hotel lobby in Cairo. He bought me a drink. Four days later I woke up strapped to a camel.

JOSIE (33, company director)
My ex-boyfriend was a holiday rep with Tran-Seks Adventures. He took me up the foothills and abandoned me.

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Psychic Augusta

I have the spell, the potion, the chart, the rune, the path, the answer, the advice you seek and/or the name of your spirit guide.
Tell me your troubles.
Augusta.

Personal

and

Psychic

Predictions


Dear Augusta:
I’m not sure Scientology is right for me. It’s a lot of audits, confessions, and some other bullshit I can’t go into here. Anyway, it’s making me clinically depressed, and I’m wondering what the Tarot says about getting out?
Signed, Tom C

Dear Tom:

It’s interesting, but not random that a 2nd card jumped out of the deck whilst I was doing your Free One Card Spread. I normally charge for this, but given the message, I’m going to let you have it.

Your first card, Tom, is The Tower. Look at it Tom - strong, formidable, imposing. Struck by a bolt of lightning yet not destroyed. A small threat, an unfortunate breach that can, must and will be…repaired. I predict that change is as close as a wire tap on your land line. And you're going to change, Tom, because the bonus card I have for you is Death.

The Death card in this position signifies an overhaul, an end to what or who isn’t working. It speaks to how the breach will be…corrected. It’s important to consult the surrounding positions to achieve a deeper understanding. Do you see the man falling from the Tower, Tom? Do you?

May you be blessed by the wisdom of our Universe.

Namaste,

Augusta


 

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Psychic Augusta is brought to you by the Xenia Schiller Psychic Council.

If you would like your runes cast or your cards read, send an e-mail to admin@wreckered.co.uk with Psychic Augusta in the subject line. Your enquiry will be passed to the XSPC and Augusta's response will be featured in the pages of wreckered.


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Seonaid's diary - the personal life of a lifestyle diva

Summer is a memory. A bad one. A summer that lied through it's veneered teeth that things would be better. In ancient societies, the sun god - Ra - brought bounty and cheer. For me, behind my drapes and blinds, such signals mean nothing but the realities of loneliness and rejection.

The blind light of sunshine means no more to me - in this incarnation - than the haphazard optimism of a flickering gas burner: my life no more significant than that of a colic moth coughing his way to the embrace of death or to the empty promises of love and loyalty.

Forgive me, readers, for my bitterness. In August this year, I got arrested. For exercising my right to free speech. Outside my ex-boyfriend's house. At midnight. Chained to his car.

I will forever remember the shadows against his bedroom curtain. And the cold blue lights of the police car. The young officer who cut me free of my chains - only to shackle me in handcuffs - is a Leo. I saw in his eyes the doubt which binds us together. I felt in his strong arms the comfort of authority. And I saw in the face of his colleague the unashamed lust of one uniformed man for another.

I will not blame William for calling the police. I will not blame myself for my choice of song that night. And I will pray to the goddess within for revenge upon any woman who would cast herself as the other woman. My sisters, join me or we are forever undone.

 

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Seonaid Divine

 

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