yourwreck invites
wreckered readers to submit their news stories and comments. Submissions
should be sent to ed@wreckered.co.uk.
Don't expect money. In this issue, yourwreck features not only our
regular editorial comment and the no-holds barred perspectives of
John Crow, but also a shock report from Daniel Campbell on the dangerous
craze of crass dieting. The cool cartoons on this page are by Julian
Loayza - click them for full effect.
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MIDDLE
EAST TERROR MUST HALT
The continuing wave of terror, reprisal and suicide assassinations
between Israel and Palestine is blighting the lives of many who
wish to book holidays in that sorry region. While I have sympathy
for neither demented Arabs nor homicidal Hebrews, I need look
only at the sad eyes of my six year old son Finlay to see that
it is the young who suffer most in this never ending cycle of
violence and recrimination. I have tried to explain to him that
the Israeli-Palestinian problem is akin to the global turd that
will not flush away; that a constant diet of sausages and bullets
and fatty foods offers no solution to a conflict rooted in religion,
occupation and fear.
Wherefore
then, the leader who will bring stability among the olive groves
? Wherefore then, the statesman who might stick his gloved hand
down the U-bend of middle eastern politics and remove the unseemly
and aggressive blockage which sits there snarling like a pound
of hostile mince ?
And yet still, young Finlay wishes only to have a holiday in the
sun, floating with water wings on the Dead Sea and munching on
lox. His innocent eyes plead with me to bring a cessation to hostilities
and to bring lasting peace to that troubled region. As a father,
I am forced to concede to him my impotence in such matters and
to buy him toys, trainers and video game peripherals in order
to distract him from his fears and ensure that his life be no
longer complicated by the power struggles and human tragedy of
the holy lands.
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Securitate cartoons by Julian Loayza. Click them to
enlarge. See Jul's stuff at julianloayza.wordpress.com
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FOR
THE WRECKERED..
The editor speaks
John Crow (above) speaks eloquently of how the continuing
wave of terror, reprisal and suicide assassinations between Israel
and Palestine is blighting the lives of many who wish to book holidays
in that sorry region. However, none of this should distract
us from the obesity crisis presently facing the UK and her allies.
With 53% of schoolchildren clinically obese and more than 70% of
parents clinically stupid, it is time for politicians to take action
before the entire country becomes a nation of dimwit chubsters guzzling
burgers and chips given away free with tabloids.
John Crow himself weighs more than 17 stones, yet was able to complete
the London marathon in under ten hours through sheer force of will,
pushing himself through the pain barrier as an example to our leaders
and to those who would decry the right of the common man to stagger
round the public byways for no more reward than the satisfaction
of staggering round the public byways. High time, surely, that those
in power looked further ahead than the next round of local and national
elections and to put the health of the nation before petty political
point-scoring and expensive junkets to China.
While we are all for fact-finding missions, we call for those who
wield influence to now curb their partisanship and to lead us out
of the deep fry morass and into a slimline tonic future free of
additives, suspicion and spin.
Ed
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DANGER
DIET FURY
By Daniel Campbell
Yesterday saw the launch of a controversial new self-help book intended
to act as a companion to a dangerous new dieting craze that is currently
sweeping the nation, and causing concern amongst health officials.
‘The Crass Dieting Handbook’ serves as a guide to
what is known as ‘crass dieting’. The fad originated
in America and has been popularised in Britain by celebrities such
as Phil Tufnell and Patsy Palmer, both of whom publicly use the
diet. The principle of the diet, which the British Board of Nutrition
has slammed as being ‘completely out of whack’, revolves
around abstaining from any kind of nutritionary intake, and instead
only consuming the foods that the diet’s creator, Tex Krezwalski,
calls ‘substantiary brain intake’.
‘Substantiary brain intake is a series of food supplements
administered in eighteen small portions throughout the course of
the day,’ Mr. Krezwalski said yesterday in an interview for
American television. ‘The reason crass dieting is so effective
is because, unlike other diets, we give you a real choice on what
substantiary brain intake to have, so it never gets boring.’
Foods allowed as ‘substantiary brain intake’, as listed
in the Crass Dieting Handbook, include barley, snow, ‘juice’
and soot. However, the selection of food allowed by the diet has
come under attack from experts, who say that some of the foods recommended
by the book may actually be harmful if eaten. ‘It’s
preposterous,’ says Diane Waite, a dietician and author of
‘Slim 2001: Thin in Space’, who was present at the launch
of the Crass Dieting Handbook at Border’s in Kenilworth. ‘Modern
human beings simply cannot survive on barley. In caveman days our
bodies probably had special glands to process wheat and other long
grasses, but since we’ve evolved into proper people we’ve
had no need for those glands, and so our bodies just evolved them
away.’
Despite the criticism and warnings from the governmental Department
of Bodily Health, crass dieting has its share of devoted followers.
Tracey Falstaff, an IT Consultant from Stockton, maintains that
without crass dieting she would be dead. ‘Last year I weighed
fifty-three stones and was so obese I couldn’t even see out
of my own eyes,’ she said in retaliation to Ms. Waite’s
comments. ‘The doctor was going to put me on a drip. With
crass dieting I managed to lose nine stones in less than twenty
four hours. And that was only the first day. These people that knock
the diet don’t know what they’re talking about.’
Mr. Kreznalski, who was boarding a solid gold jumbo jet when we
approached him, declined to comment.
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