LIFESTYLE LOVE & LOOKS

SPOTTED !

Glamour celebrity Jordan plugging her latest rape at a social club in Peebles.

News babe Jackie Bird buying a Twix in Motherwell.

Lewis Hamilton asking the pilot of the London-Glasgow shuttle if he could have a go at landing.

Alan Shearer using judo to subdue an escaped monkey at London Zoo.

Ant and Dec buying a gigantic striplight in Homebase, Manchester.

X-Factor's Simon Cowell using his fingernails to scrape something from the sole of his shoe.

MUST HAVE ACCESSORIES

Glosso 17 Moist-a-Way Tone Wipes. Blend away moisture with these handy packs of absorbent wipes and feel visibly younger - even in a crisis.


Cellulite Assassin. This new range of moisturisers from Glosso Woman works by inhibiting the growth of cellulitical organisms in the skin. As used by Kana Smith.

From Glosso Industries. The Personal Defence Alice Band. This unique and stylish hair accessory is the latest in the fight against date rape. A chip in the alice band can detect Rohypnol in nearby drinks. As used by the LAPD.

SEX WITH MEN WHO PREFER MEN !

TARA JONES - SEX COLUMNIST OF THE YEAR
Tara Jones is a qualified sex expert whose forthright views on human sexuality have caused her to be arrested four times. Her racy exploits in the sex dens of Europe formed the basis of her controversial best-seller biography "Stroke".

Tara now writes exclusively for wreckered magazine. In part three of her exclusive sex survey, Tara speaks to women who have had sex with gay men.

My survey of the sexual habits of today's woman continues this month with more shocking revelations. Forget hunks, chunks, punks and monks - today's modern woman is never happier than when straightening out a gay man. I asked four women of today about their sexual experiences with their gay male friends.

ISOBEL (28, Events Organiser)
He was very tender and attentive to my needs. It would have been perfect except that he kept stopping every two minutes to text his friends.

CAROL (30 PR)
For me it was okay, but Simon felt awkward. Afterwards he said it felt like dunking your biscuit in someone else's tea.

ALISON (22, TV researcher)
I love gay men. In the last year, I've had sex with twelve guys from my office who had each confided in me that they were unsure about their sexuality. All of them are now straight. They work in the same building as me and it's great 'cos in the canteen they all wave at me and smile whenever I come in.

JOSIE (33, company director)
It was not good. He insisted on calling me Joe - and when he left he stole one of my tops. I could've done without that. And without the shrieking noises he made when I climaxed.

WHAT WE WORE LAST YEAR

With last year fading into the memory already, we looked at what some leading celebrities did and did not wear in the sunshine of 2009.

Katie Price was seen in an eye-popping shell suit and Gerard Butler set the scene for the older yet hunky sunseeker man by endorsing the mumu.

Brainy britpop babe Dido tipped tie-dye to be the next old new big thing. Kilts were out, shorts were in and socks were halfway up the legs.

For hair, the natural look returned and there were a range of products available to help you get it and keep it.

Big surprise of last summer was the popularity of sandals - essential footwear in the wake of Lord of the Rings and ecology-chic. Hoops were back for ears and scarlet was the must-have colour for toenails.

For this year.. who knows???

Relationships GLORIA FRASER writes..

How to dump a useless boyfriend

With more of us than ever setting our sights higher in the man-stakes, we asked Agony Aunt Gloria Fraser for tips on how to dump a useless boyfriend. Here are Glorias do's and dont's.

DO
Let him know immediately that you consider him to be a low life creep.

Make sure that you look absolutely gorgeous when you drop the bomb on him.

Change your phone number to avoid his late-night, tearful, pathetic drunken calls.

Confess all about his bits to your girlfriends. (Or e-mail wreckered with the details)

Avoid his friends 'cos they will either try to get you two back together again or get you in the sack.

DON'T
Let him down gently.

Listen to his bleating.

Seek closure, solace or that friend of his who gave you that look at that party.

Get drunk and call him late at night on the verge of tears.

Give him a second chance.