RETURN OF THE WRECKERED

It has been a long time.

Wreckered, one of the most popular magazines on the internet, is now back with new stories and sharp perspectives on our society and culture. During our hiatus, we continued to sit high in web rankings despite making no effort to refresh or update the content of the magazine. With this, issue 11, we once again plant our flag in the dry dirt of internet journalism and we push back the boundaries of free speech and comment to deliver to our loyal readership our trademark mix of not only news, but the news behind the news, as well the news which other publications refuse to regard as news.

We have, if you like, put the band back together. Apart from the drummer. The staff here salute the efforts of those no longer with us and we raise a glass to the new talent which graces the pages of this, our comeback edition. On that note, Wreckered now actively seeks your satirical input. The yourwreck page is for your contributions. Don't expect money. We can promise only exposure and respect. Send your stories to editor@wreckered.co.uk. We are delighted, in this issue, to feature the contributions of the respected journalist Daniel Campbell, Fife resident Keith Foster and cartoonist Julian Loayza.

In a surprising development, our sports and motoring readers will now benefit from wreckered's friendly association with the noted F1 website GrandPrixDiary.com. Many things have changed on our small planet since Wreckered last passed comment. Global terror, for instance, is much more popular than it was in 2004. As is the uploading of videos. Some pop stars have died. Others, such as Elton John, are still with us. Some of you might have missed us over the last years. Some of you may not care. We do not know. What we do know is that the one thing which remains undiminished is our passion to bring the big news, monthly, to those who crave the big news. Ed

Securitate by Julian Loayza. Click to enlarge.

DRINK FRENZY ENDS IN TANK CHAOS

Four Glasgow men were arrested after a drink frenzy ended in tank chaos. Horrified onlookers saw the four stag night revellers career down Pollokshaws Road, Glasgow in a Challenger 2 Tank.

Fourteen vehicles were destroyed as the 42 ton tank ploughed over parked cars and two sets of traffic lights before disappearing into the treeline of nearby Queens Park. Two police pursuit vehicles collided when the leader of the drunks climbed into the commander's turret and let off smoke bombs which disguised the tank's escape. Army units eventually cornered the tank when it drew to a halt outside a pub in Shawlands.

The tank is said to have been stolen from a nearby barracks and it is thought that one of the four men manning the hi-tech battle tank had links to the Territorial Army. Jim Muir was a member of the stag night, but he refused to join the others in stealing a tank:"It started off just as a night of drink frenzy, then somebody said that they knew a guy who could give us the keys for a tank."

The four men will appear at Glasgow Sheriff Court accused of stealing a tank, destruction of property, breach of the peace, driving a Challenger 2 tank without a licence and various other traffic offences. The trial of the four was halted last month after the crown's main witness, the MOD, refused to confirm or deny that it had been missing a tank that night.

ELEPHANT FLU FEAR

Health workers warn of a new epidemic of elephant flu, following the discovery of 12 new cases in Europe. The killer bug swept the Ivory Coast, Africa two years ago, killing 84 people and leaving thousands homeless. The confirmed new cases are undergoing treatment in hospitals in Italy, Belgium and the Netherlands, fuelling fears that the bug may be on its way to Britain. The World Health Organisation warns that symptoms may take up to ten weeks to appear. Spokesman John Scott said, "The first a sufferer would notice is that their nose and their ears have grown by up to ten percent. Fever is common, often followed by tusks".

The bug spreads more rapidly than other germs due to the massive sneezing fits from noses already enlarged by the disease. Survivors tell of seeing neighbours whose noses parped and flared wildly while involuntary ear-flapping acted, "like a breeze blowing pollen across a field."

Hard pressed immigration officials blasted Home Office calls for extra vigilance. Said one, "How much more extra vigilance do these clowns want ? We've already been told to be extra vigilant for terrorists and to give more extra vigilance for asylum seekers. We're all out of vigilance here."

Home Office officials nevertheless urged immigration front-line staff to work closely with port authorities and customs officials in a multi-agency approach. "The doomsday scenario would be a terrorist entering the country with a suitcase full of elephant flu".

The killer bug is the latest in a line of diseases connected to animals. Recent years have seen health scares from chicken flu, swine flu, swine fever, mad cow disease, dog mumps and snake eyes.