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Edition # 10
World news through our eyes
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GOLF - COULD A RETRACTABLE ROOF WORK ?
Boffins say they could provide a retractable roof for golf tournaments threatened by rain. The device is a 1 sq km sheet of thin poly carbon which is raised 500 ft into the air and suspended at its four corners by helicopters. The "skybrella" is hoisted over the golf course and moved from fairway to fairway by the helicopters.

Said Skybrella Project Leader Elaine Barr "Many leading players have given the thing their backing in private. There are still concerns about noise - especially if the rest of the golf course has to be roofed at the same time. You'd be talking about forty or fifty helicopters."

Veteran Tom Watson voiced safety issues. "That number of Jet Rangers hovering over a golf course is asking for trouble. It'd only be a matter of time before a tournament was marred by tragedy".
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FOOTBALL PUNDITS STRIKE THREAT

TV football pundits are threatening to strike unless they receive a fairer deal from sports broadcasters. The pundits are said to be unhappy about the quality of debate on televised football programmes. Former Celtic legend and analyst Murdo Mcleod has led the call for action. "Too often we sit there and answer pointless questions from some presenter like "What are they going to have to do in the second half?" and "What about this man Larsson?"

laughable suits
It is known that sports analysts have complained to broadcasters about having to present a macho man jock image on television whilst wearing laughable suits. And at least two well known co-commentators have recently resigned their lucrative posts following pressure from producers to "lose the big word crap."

anodyne
The strike threat was welcomed by sports fans. Said David Scott, "You've got presenters briefed to ask anodyne questions to footballers trained to give non-committal replies. Can somebody remind me what the point of all this is ?"

Wreckered Poll. "Are they thick or is it us?"

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VARSITY BASKETBALL TEAM SUCKS
by US correspondent Garin Pirnia

Last night’s game of Hamilton High School versus Bleeding Heart showcased Hamilton’s worse playing since their last match a week ago. The final score was 68-0, making them 0-6 in the season and last in the district.
“I don’t know what happened. I think it’s because they just suck,” said Hamilton High coach David Johnson.
Part of the problem could be the team players themselves. Forward Damien Miller hasn’t hit a growth spurt yet and remains on the short side at 5’3”; Center Kyle Rich forgot to wear his contacts and benchwarmer Louis Smickle was late because his sister needed the car.
tortured parents
Hamilton’s varsity team was district champs eight years ago, but it’s been a downward spiral for them ever since. The boys played to an empty crowd of tortured parents, angry girlfriends and a few fellow students who didn’t stay until the end of the game. “ I have history homework to do. Anything would be a sweet release from this misery,” said Richard Price.
water polo
With another loss comes more disappointment for the boys. When asked why the ball was constantly dropped and why they couldn’t even come close to making a basket, Damien Miller responded: “Let’s face it—we just suck. I’m going to quit and join the water polo team. That seems effortless.” Hamilton’s next game is against last year’s district champs, Lancaster Academy. “What’s the point. It’s a suicide mission. We might as well forfeit the game right now to maintain some dignity,” said Coach Johnson.
Following the match, Coach Johnson resigned from the team to take an assistant coach position at the second to last ranked high school, Mueller Hill School, leaving Hamilton High to suck all on their own.
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BECKHAM - FERGIE CALLED ME HIS BITCH
David Beckham has stung ex-boss Sir Alex Ferguson with revelations from the soon to be released sequel to his biography. Beckam claims that Fergie "called me his bitch" and once tried to poison his relationship with wife Posh by using a svengali sports psychologist "to mess with my head". The leaks are sure to drive a final wedge between the firebrand Scot and the England captain, whose relationship was once that of father and son, where Fergie would often carry a tired David on his hip for miles to reach home after a long day spent together in the woodlands.

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