| GOLF - COULD A RETRACTABLE
ROOF WORK ?
Boffins say they could provide a retractable roof for golf tournaments
threatened by rain. The device is a 1 sq km sheet of thin poly carbon
which is raised 500 ft into the air and suspended at its four corners
by helicopters. The "skybrella" is hoisted over the golf
course and moved from fairway to fairway by the helicopters.
Said Skybrella Project Leader Elaine Barr "Many leading players
have given the thing their backing in private. There are still concerns
about noise - especially if the rest of the golf course has to be
roofed at the same time. You'd be talking about forty or fifty helicopters."
Veteran Tom Watson voiced safety issues. "That number of Jet
Rangers hovering over a golf course is asking for trouble. It'd only
be a matter of time before a tournament was marred by tragedy".
|FOOTBALL PUNDITS STRIKE THREAT
TV football pundits are threatening to strike unless they receive
a fairer deal from sports broadcasters. The pundits are said to be
unhappy about the quality of debate on televised football programmes.
Former Celtic legend and analyst Murdo Mcleod has led the call for
action. "Too often we sit there and answer pointless questions
from some presenter like "What are they going to have to do in
the second half?" and "What about this man Larsson?"
It is known that sports analysts have complained to broadcasters about
having to present a macho man jock image on television whilst wearing
laughable suits. And at least two well known co-commentators have
recently resigned their lucrative posts following pressure from producers
to "lose the big word crap."
The strike threat was welcomed by sports fans. Said David Scott, "You've
got presenters briefed to ask anodyne questions to footballers trained
to give non-committal replies. Can somebody remind me what the point
of all this is ?"
Wreckered Poll. "Are they thick or is it us?"
E-mail with They Are Thick or We Are
Thick in the subject line of your mail.
|VARSITY BASKETBALL TEAM SUCKS
by US correspondent Garin Pirnia
Last night’s game of Hamilton High School versus Bleeding Heart
showcased Hamilton’s worse playing since their last match a
week ago. The final score was 68-0, making them 0-6 in the season
and last in the district.
“I don’t know what happened.
I think it’s because they just suck,” said Hamilton High
coach David Johnson.
Part of the problem could be the team players themselves. Forward
Damien Miller hasn’t hit a growth spurt yet and remains on the
short side at 5’3”; Center Kyle Rich forgot to wear his
contacts and benchwarmer Louis Smickle was late because his sister
needed the car.
Hamilton’s varsity team was district champs eight years ago,
but it’s been a downward spiral for them ever since. The boys
played to an empty crowd of tortured parents, angry girlfriends and
a few fellow students who didn’t stay until the end of the game.
“ I have history homework to do. Anything would be a sweet release
from this misery,” said Richard Price.
With another loss comes more disappointment for the boys. When asked
why the ball was constantly dropped and why they couldn’t even
come close to making a basket, Damien Miller responded: “Let’s
face it—we just suck. I’m going to quit and join the water
polo team. That seems effortless.” Hamilton’s next game
is against last year’s district champs, Lancaster Academy. “What’s
the point. It’s a suicide mission. We might as well forfeit
the game right now to maintain some dignity,” said Coach Johnson.
Following the match, Coach Johnson resigned from the team to take
an assistant coach position at the second to last ranked high school,
Mueller Hill School, leaving Hamilton High to suck all on their own.
|BECKHAM - FERGIE CALLED ME HIS
David Beckham has stung ex-boss Sir Alex Ferguson with revelations
from the soon to be released sequel to his biography. Beckam claims
that Fergie "called me his bitch" and once tried to poison
his relationship with wife Posh by using a svengali sports psychologist
"to mess with my head". The leaks are sure to drive a final
wedge between the firebrand Scot and the England captain, whose relationship
was once that of father and son, where Fergie would often carry a
tired David on his hip for miles to reach home after a long day spent
together in the woodlands.