iPODS LINK TO CANCER
The craze for iPods may halt in its tracks after claims that the must-have
music device may cause cancer. Critics of the claims say that no firm
evidence of causal links has been offered and that iPod use is safer
than other portable music delivery systems.
Doubts remain however about the planned wireless iPod2 which insiders
say will be able to download songs from the internet whenever the
user is near a mobile phone mast. Environmentalist Jim Arthur said
" You'll have all these freaks gathered in circles around phone
masts, pressing their iPods like fools. The Four Horsemen are approaching
- mark me well." |
J- LO'S ASS EXPLODES
From our US correspondent Garin Pirnia
In the middle of a Prada store in New York City this afternoon, the
world renowned fashion icon and man handler, Jennifer Lopez, a.k.a.
J.Lo, tried on a dress when suddenly her ass spontaneously combusted.
“It was about time this happened. She’d been carrying
a lot of junk in her trunk. Now instead of focusing on her ass, maybe
she’ll concentrate on improving her lackluster film and music
career,” stated a woman on the street.
Fiancé Ben Affleck was on location shooting another blockbuster
when he received the news. He quickly boarded his private jet and
flew to an undisclosed New York hospital to meet his on again, off
again, on again, maybe off, okay on again whore. “It was touching
how he rubbed what was left of her behind with fresh $100 bills,”
said paparazzi James Hamilton.
J. Lo is expected to make a full recovery, but her career is once
again in jeopardy. “First there was the debacle with Gigli"
stated J.Lo’s agent Alton Spoon, "then the wedding that
never happened, then Ben bought a gun, then Matt Damon ended another
relationship continuing speculation about his sexual orientation…It’s
been a tough year for them.”
Scientists are dumbfounded how a body part could simply combust. “Personally,
I think her ego caused this. She’s lucky she didn’t lose
that pretty, vacuous head of hers. Next time she may not make out
okay”, stated Carl Sagan. Plastic surgeons are already planning
on reconstructing her ass with polyurethane material and butter. Until
the surgery is completed she will only be able to be photographed
from the waist up and with Dutch angles. “She’ll be back
in no time. She’s going to put all this behind her and assume
her daily routine…No puns intended,” joked resident plastic
surgeon Dr. Stein. |
 SASQUATCH SIGHTING
IN LONDON
A display by the Royal Highland Pipe Guards was thrown into chaos
by a Sasquatch. The creature brought horror to St James Park, London,
when it mauled a piper before disappearing into nearby trees. A nearby
piper took this hurried snap moments before the attack. Police immediately
threw a cordon around the park but found no trace of the 6-foot ape-like
creature. Londoners, already on a high state of alert from terror
attacks, have now been advised to use wheelie bins for all household
garbage . Met bosses are said to be seething after Mayor Ken Livingstone
ordered vital police manpower be diverted from anti-terrorist squads
to help search for the Sasquatch.
Police are currently studying CCTV footage from around St James' Park
and privately concede that the sighting -if verified - is further
evidence of the so called "Bigfoot" on UK shores.
Read more in wreckered newsbox issue
7 |
 NASA BLASTS CIRCUS
ON MOON CLAIM
NASA chiefs have blasted claims that there is a circus on the moon.
New pictures circulating on the internet show the reflection of a
circus in the helmet visor of astronaut Buzz Aldrin, lending weight
to conspiracy theories which suggest that the US space agency faked
the 1969 moon landings in order to divert attention from the Vietnam
War.
Sceptics have long claimed that photos of the landing show shadows
which face in the wrong direction, suggesting that the event was
faked by NASA and was staged in and around the Nevada desert. Conspiracist
David Geller has unearthed proof that the Jimmy Billington Circus
was based in Reno for two weeks in summer 1969. He claims that two
clowns who worked there died shortly after in mysterious circumstances
and that a performing elephant named Gigi was quietly shipped back
to Africa in 1970.
Said Geller "The problem is that circus folk are scared to
talk about this - too many of their colleagues have been silenced
over the years."
Pentagon sources scoffed and pointed to the timing of the story.
"This is malice put about by opponents of the president's plan
for a Lunar Moonbase and a colony on Mars and the capture of a live
space dragon".
Read our outspoken columnist John Crow in
yourwreck on why Bush is right to go to Mars
|
 HORSE IN NEW TRAIN TERROR
The craze for pantomime horses terrorising trains has spread across
the Atlantic. This panto horse was snapped after an orgy of violence
aboard an Am-trak train in Canada. Shocked travellers told how the
horse threatened many of them with beatings and kicked a train guard
half to death. The copycat crime (which spread throughout the UK last
winter) has alarmed Canadian cops who have little experience of panto
horse train terror. While there is no tradition of pantomime in North
American theatres, there has been a recorded increase of 20% in the
number of pantomime horse costumes sold by US fancy dress hire stores
in the last quarter. Detective Stuart Green of Ontario Police Department
told wreckered, "These panto horses are thumbing their noses
at Canadian authorities just because we have Mounties. It is as if
they are inviting the chase." |
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