news parody, satire, topical comedy, sport, football, celebrity stars and fashion - wreckered - the UK's leading comedy newspaper printed in scotland
comedy, satire, humour, jokes and fun - wreckered
homearchivesitemapadvertiseabout us
mortimer
Edition # 9
World news through our eyes
frontpagenewsboxyourwrecksportslifestylemotoringstars
reeves

SPOTTED

After last month's MTV bash in Edinburgh, was that Christine Aguilera arguing about shoe sizes at Hollywood Bowl ?

Kelly Brook buying a sausage roll out of Galbraiths in Clarkston.

TV's Graham Norton riding the winner of the 3.15 at Cheltenham.

A sly bottle of 20/20 peeking out of Posh Spice's handbag during husband David's OBE ceremony.

 

FASHION

Get that messed-up hair look with Glosso 17 Jusfukt Mousse.


Bothered by a shiny nose ? Powder away your worries with Glosso 17 Rudolph the Reindeer Nose Begone.


TIP: Cover up armpit odours by smoking incessantly.

ANGUISH

As I lie here in bed tapping my diary into a laptop while recovering from last month's near fatal overdose, I muse on the events which have led me to a broken heart, a drink dependency and a job writing meaningless crap about make-up and snogging. At one time, I could have been the new AL Kennedy. I could have been a woman of renown and substance. And yet now I fester, glassy-eyed and bitter, the heart of my soul crushed like a butterfly in the slamming of a car door. Happy Christmas.

HOW TO GET INTO THAT LITTLE BLACK DRESS
With the party season upon us, time once again to make sure we look our best under the mistletoe. Here then our 4-step guide on how to get into that little black dress.

1 Check that it is the correct size for you. Find this information on a label somewhere inside the dress.
2 Using both hands, hold the dress by the hem at the back and raise it to shoulder height.
3 Pull it over your head and tug it carefully down over your upper body until your head appears through the gap.
4 Pull gently on the hemline and shoulders to adjust the dress as necessary.
If the result looks like this...

apply lippy and get ready to party.
If the result is this...

go back to 2 and try again.
THE OFFICE PARTY - DO'S AND DONT'S
Don't get too drunk too quickly and snog the chubby bloke from accounts who hasn't bathed since Easter.
Don't do a hilarious strip tease while wearing felt antlers.
Don't ask the boss whether he has seen that film "Secretary".
Don't send picture messages to your friend
Don't crawl around under desks barking like a dog

Do take a spare pair of tights.
Do stay glam while pushed up against the photocopier being kissed roughly yet tenderly by a married man.
Do keep your knees together if sitting on a man's lap (unless you're facing him! Cor!)
Do the hokey-cokey
Do the bicycle courier

SEX WITH YOUNGER MEN
In the final part of the wreckered sex poll, we asked women about their experiences of sex with younger men.

Maureen, 33, sales consultant.
"My boy is 21 and can't get enough of me. I drive him wild by going down on him while he is playing Splinter Cell on his X-Box."




Julia, 30, software technician.
"Billy is 19 and is just getting used to being served in pubs. He likes me to wear a black skirt and a white top and pretend I am a strict barmaid."



Anne, 46, travel agent.
"Last year I was seeing an 18 year old who would develop a stammer whenever he got nervous. In bed, I used to force his head between my legs and berate him about stuff and demand apologies. Bliss."


Kate, 37, events manager
"I had a virgin last year and he was so naive it was hilarious. In bed, he got on top of me and started rolling from side to side. Mind you, when he orgasmed it was like an explosion in a yogurt factory."



Anwar 35, youth worker
"Boys under 23 are too eager. Sometime they even forget to take off their baseball cap."

Wreckered Archive
Get - Issue #1
Get - Issue #2
Get - Issue #3
Get - Issue #4
Get - Issue #5
Get - Issue #6
Get - Issue #7
Get - Issue #8
Motoring #1
Motoring #2
Motoring #3
Motoring #4
Word Up
Site of the Month
Leading edge club
sounds and beats
from the fantastic
Radio Magnetic
Comedy T-shirts
satire and comedy t-shirts
email the editor copyright 2003 - wreckered.co.uk