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Edition # 7
World news through our eyes
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Rumour MillRUMOUR MILL GRINDS TO HALT 
After being in overdrive for nine years, the Rumour Mill has finally ground to a halt. Boffins at the Data Processing Centre in Surrey
are working round the clock to get the gigantic machine back
on-line. John Beckett of RPC said, "We've been warning about
this for years but no-one would listen."

Overload
The meltdown is blamed on the massive and accelarating increase in recent years of celebrity gossip, football transfer speculation and political spin. Data overload finally brought the machine grinding to a halt late Tuesday evening. Back-up systems are said to be coping - but only just. A DPC staffer told wreckered "It only needs one soap opera to leak details of a forthcoming murder and we're all fucked."

Upgrades
The Rumour Mill was built in 1993 and designed to sift and verify rumour and low level intelligence. Despite numerous upgrades over the years, the machine is said to have been red-lining constantly
since the months leading up to the millenium Y2K scare. Mr Beckett said, "The original design did
not anticipate the volume of baseless rumour with which we now have to deal. It was never intended
to be milling information at this rate."

Food Blender + AvacadoAvacado
Colleague Steve Hemphill, senior physicist at the DPC, said, "Imagine having a domestic food blender on 24/7 and you just keep on putting more bits of egg and avocado and breadcrumbs into it. Eventually something's got to give."

Time Bomb
Repeated requests for government funding to build a second rumour mill on the site of the Millenium Dome have fallen on deaf ears. DPC bigwigs are said to furious with what they see as New Labour ambivalence. Chief scientist Alan Bering told wreckered, "The whole country knows that the rumour mill is always in overdrive. Its been an open secret for years. This was a time bomb waiting to happen."
xray spexX-RAY SPEX ACTUALLY WORK - an exclusive by Milton Banks
It was revealed today that the toy x-ray spex advertised for decades at the back of Marvel and DC comics actually work. Sworn to secrecy and knowing when they were on to a good thing, generations of young boys have kept tightlipped about this astonishing secret for nearly fifty years. Boffins predict that the devices will be of immense benefit to surgeons, the military and airport security systems.

Muslim leaders have called for a ban on the spex, fearing that their ability to see underneath burkhas will lead to "moral carnage".
Jockey in funnelJOCKEY RESCUED FROM FUNNEL
Hi-jinks at a stag weekend turned to horror when jockey Pat Mills became trapped in the funnel of a Cal Mac ferry. Other jockeys raised the alarm, leading to a dramatic rescue involving a coast guard helicopter. Gourock-Dunoon ferry steward David Cosgrove told wreckered, "All these jockeys were completely hammered before they even got on the boat. One of them climbed up on the funnel and was sitting on the edge of it singing and then the rest of them
started throwing pies and biscuits at him and he fell in."

Wedged hopelessly in the funnel, Mills could only look up anxiously as jockeys looked down anxiously. Quick thinking staff poured gallons of soapy liquid down the funnel to grease the groom-to-be before a winch from the helicopter was lowered into the funnel to pull the hapless jockey free. Mills was taken to Paisley General Hospital suffering from broken ribs, 2nd degree burns, smoke inhalation, alcohol poisoning, sea-sickness and detergent ingestion. His friends partied on.
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Kingussie BigfootBIGFOOT SEEN IN SCOTLAND
The Loch Ness monster may have some competition if recent claims are to be believed. Hiker John Noble took this snap of a bigfoot on the outskirts of Kingussie. "I was heading out of town and I saw this creature emerge from the woods", Noble told wreckered. "It gave me a sort of a "come-on" kind of look and then disappeared into the trees." said the startled hiker.

Bigfoot expert Steve Walesa claims that Bigfeet have been in constant migration across the Arctic and the Bering Straits for the last 1000 years and have been swimming from ice floe to ice floe during Arctic winters to now reach the edges of northern Europe. "These creatures are the last missing link in anthropology" said Walesa. "We know for a fact that they were using shoes 1,000 years before man tamed fire."
Kofi Annan UnmaskedKOFI ANNAN UNMASKED AS BEING MORGAN FREEMAN - a special report from the pen of Russ Flinn
There was shock in the international community last week as an emergency session of the United Nations was invaded by a small group of peace protestors, marching up to the Secretary General's podium and haranguing him. Security chief bob Lindsay told wreckered, "One minute these hippies were all pointing fingers and causing Mr Annan to back away and then this one guy reached over and pulled off the
Secretary General's face. It was a mask of some kind".

He went on, "I'd guessed it was an animal rights thing, what with the dog wearing a cravat and everything. Anyway, they gagged me with this massive sandwich that caused my jaws to elongate like a python". Spanish delegate Jose Vicenze told us "Once the mask came off the difference was remarkable.
He was rendered almost recognisable. No change whatsoever. That's when we realised it must be Hollywood's Morgan Freeman".

A spokesman for Mr Freeman told wreckered, "He would have got away with it if it wasn't for those pesky kids."
Bunny Z VIRUS ESCAPES FROM COMPUTER
A computer virus in wireless network PCs has leaked from government computers at the Ministry of Defence. The latest in a new generation of infra-red worms, the Bunny Z virus resides in the hard drive
of computers which use wireless or infra-red technologies. The proximity of a hand held device such as a PDA or a mobile phone will trigger the wireless transfer of the virus to the data storage or sim card of that communications device. It then sends itself to contact lists and numbers held in the device.

When within range of another wireless PC, the virus piggy-backs from the carrier's mobile phone
signal to the hard drive of that computer. The unwitting carrier of the virus in this way will pass it on
to other computers. John Grey, head of of web security at AntiSystemsCorp, said "This thing is using mobile devices like pollen uses a bee."

The Bunny Z virus is thought to be based on the Bunny X bug which flooded network services throughout the US in March of last year, bringing chaos to the data system paths which form the backbone of the neural economy. Experts warn that this new strain threatens to corrupt global systems by stealth.

email the editor copyright 2003 - wreckered.co.uk