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Edition # 6
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Jack & ZaraQUEEN KING JACK FURY
Self-styled king of Scotland Jack McConnell is said by insiders to be livid over rumours that he has upset the queen. Former love rat Jack is said to have been ejected from a royal garden party after stroking the buttocks of queen niece Zara Phillips. A source told wreckered, "Jack is a great
admirer of the female form, yet knows when to keep his hands to himself, as befits a First Minister." Royal watchers are reminded of the fury when
the Queen visited Australia in 1998 and was touched on the coat by then Aussie PM Paul Keating. The queen has not been back to Australia since.

POLICE: IGNORANCE AMNESTY
Police chiefs have mooted an ignorance amnesty as a way forward in combating racist crime and homophobia. The amnesty, which would allow ignorance to be declared at local police stations, has been given a cautious welcome by liberty groups and the Home Office. Kirsty Moss, of Civil Rights UK, said, "The problem with this plan is that the ignorant couldn't tell a hate-crime from a cement mixer. How are they supposed to know what it is that they are supposed to hand in ?" Blonde Kirsty, 27, told wreckered, "The way forward is education. And until people pay as much attention to schooling as they do to tabloid agendas, we are all screwed."

Home Secretary David Blunkett is said to be ambivalent towards the plan. A Home Office source said, "Giving up ignorance could cause untold difficulties for the democratic process and for politicians of all persuasions."

Read our outspoken columnist John Crow on the ignorance amnesty in yourwreck.

czarFOOTBALL RACISM CZAR
A football racism czar is to be appointed for Scottish football. While welcomed by all but racists, the new czar will bring to fifteen the number of czars overseeing problems such as drugs, immigration, teen pregnancy and yobs. Libertarian guru Raymond Wilkes pondered,"With so many czars now in so many areas of public life, one wonders who is guarding the guardians. Surely it is time for a cohesive strategy under the eye of an all-seeing czar czar."

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bbc bear stewBEAR HEAD FOUND IN STEW
Horrified BBC staff found a bear's head in a stew. The head, thought to be that of a brown bear,
was spotted in a vat of stew ready to be dished up to hungry staff at BBC TV's White City HQ.
The shock find follows the discovery of a cat's head in a pasta dish and a grass snake in a
teriyaki cous cous.

A BBC staffer pointed to recent voodoo threats by terrorists. Hi-level security crackdowns following the IRA taxi bomb at BBC HQ in 1999 has forced many terrorists to turn to the occult, using bad luck charms, pin-stabbed effigies of management figures and a variety of "malevolent ju-ju". Many canteen staff have refused to turn up for work in the wake of the bear head find. Union spokesman Gerry Crawley called for top brass to end the food horror.

poachers netPOACHERS MOVE INTO TOWNS
Wildlife experts warned of the increase in poachers seen on the outskirts of many UK towns. The erosion of the green belt has forced many types of poacher to seek scraps from domestic residences. Long nets have been discovered in English suburban gardens and, in two reported incidents in Scotland's central belt, dynamite has been used to blow open wheelie bins.

Wreckered spoke to poacher turned call centre worker Brendan Riley, who claimed that global warming has forced many poachers to become bolder. "Until man learns to live in harmony with the beasts of the forest, this type of incident is sadly going to become a way of life. I work in India now and the people here worship not only the cow but the tiger."

giant sandal site GIANT SHOE UNEARTHED
Archeology teams have unearthed what could be a 12, 000 year old giant shoe. Discovered during excavation work in a bus depot in northern Jordan and said to resemble a sandal, the shoe is roughly the size of a double decker bus laid on its side. On-site archeology man Lorne Walton said "You ought to have seen this thing. Like, it was massive. A right big shoe, it was."

The find, if verified, turns the world of archeology on its head. John McBride, curator of the British Anthropology Museum, told wreckered, "If this giant shoe is as old as the team say,
it sets our knowledge base back fifty years". The Museum of Cairo presently holds a giant shoe thought to date back to 50 BC.
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