SPOTTED

Party girl Jodie Marsh buying cider in Edinburgh's Waverley Station.

Big Brother winner Cameron throwing rocks at a cat in Kirkwall.

Was that Amanda Holden seen out on the town with foul-mouthed comedian Jerry Sadowitz ?

And in Sheffield last week, was that hunky Gary Lucy from Footballer's Wives getting mobbed by men outside a bookies ?


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Darling, you're early! I wasn't expecting you for ages, but come in, come in. It's good that you're here because I need your advice.

Walter ran a finger nervously round his collar and hesitated before stepping over the threshold. This was not the welcome he had expected.

Dinah Rich stood back, hands on pink satin-clad hips, and with head on one side looked him up and down. You look great, darling; love the suit. Walter found himself shepherded into the lounge and deposited onto a large, white sofa.

Now, what would you like to drink, darling?

Walter opened his mouth to reply ..

Champagne? said Dinah, already pouring it.

No, I....

He held the glass nervously and took a sip. Walter felt his face growing hot as he was propelled into the bedroom. Dresses hung on hangers from every crevice.

Now, give me your opinion, darling. What about this one? Dinah selected a short, red floaty number and held it up in front of her. Or this one?

A calf-length black Chanel replaced the red.
We've got to get this right, darling. It's very important. Mimi Ethelberger will be there. You do know her don't you, darling? Fantastic dress sense; dreadful woman.

Walter helped himself from a tray of canapes and arranged his features into a pose of studied concern. He noted with alarm that his empty glass had been re-filled. He selected another canape and plumped for the black Chanel.

Are you sure, darling? Isn't it a tad Anne Robinson?
Walter thought that it might be.

So, the red then, darling? Yes, definitely the red. And what about the diamonds? Yes? Good. Gorgeous aren't they? My third husband, Oswald Rich IV, gave them to me. He had to go, of course, but I never hated a man enough to give him back his diamonds!

Dinah's laughter tinkled round the apartment. She slipped out of the pink satin and into the red floaty. Walter's third canape got stuck in his throat and an almighty splutter sent a shower of crumbs shooting about the room.

He had just finished zipping up Dinah's dress and was helping her fasten the diamonds, when the phone rang.

Late? said Dinah. Yes. Right. OK. 15 minutes you say? Yes, yes, thank you.

Dinah replaced the receiver and turned to Walter. You're not from The American Lady in Britain Escort Agency are you?

Walter, newest door-to-door recruit of The Church of Jesus Christ of Sackcloth and Abstinence, could only admit, reluctantly, that he wasn't.