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Edition # 5
The dulux edition
World news through our eyes
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DOG FOULING BILL TO FIGHT TERRORISM
Scottish Tories are preparing to re-launch their dog fouling bill, this time with far-reaching anti-terrorist measures. The tough new approach is in response to the increased terrorist threat since the Iraq war. A Tory spokesman said: “The constant threat of a terrorist attack is a small price to pay for the world being made a safer place.”

Dismissing suggestions that to link dog fouling with terrorism is at best questionable, the spokesman added: “The threat is very real and the connection between dog fouling and terrorism cannot be ignored. For instance, British Intelligence reports suggest that the footwear of the convicted shoe bomber, Richard Reid, contained traces of dog faeces, possibly from an Afghan.
COMA MAN IN CIG PLEA
Coma man Robert Warren has spoken his first words after waking from a 20 year coma. Doctors at Washington General Hospital report that Mr Warren sat up and said, "Man, I am like totally gasping for a smoke. Somebody cigarette me."

Mr Warren is said to be devastated by current anti-smoking legislation which bans cigarettes from public places.

However, John Sims, father of the nurse who had a heart attack when Warren suddenly woke up and grabbed her by the throat, has pleaded with hospital staff to show leniency on this occasion. "I'm an ex-smoker myself", he said. "And I know how this guy must be feeling.
I gave up ten months ago and it is a bitch. Imagine what it must be like after 20 years."

FESTIVAL SHOW BAN FURY
Following Edinburgh City Council's decision to halt a Fringe show from taking place in a residential flat, objectors have now lodged complaints about Ass Haven, a one man show which takes place up the performer's own arse. A council official told wreckered "We've got too many shows like this already."

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PIONEER 10: FINAL MESSAGE
pioneer10 - passing Pluto
"enjoy yourselves"
Pioneer 10 has left the solar system. The spacecraft, which was launched in 1972 and is now more than 8bn miles from home, has transmitted a final radio signal which reached Earth on 21st June. NASA chiefs claim that Pioneer's last message appears to be "So long, fools - enjoy yourselves.."

Opinion by John Crow in yourwreck
MSP's APPROVE INSULTS
The Scottish Parliament’s Committee for Aimless Endeavour has drawn up a list of acceptable terms of abuse for MSPs to use in the debating chamber. The move follows Socialist MSP Rosie Kane’s failed attempt to ban the use of the word ‘ned’ by MSPs. Kane’s efforts provoked lively debate on the most appropriate ways to insult members of the public and the Committee acted promptly to agree clear and easily defined terms of abuse.

It was agreed that ‘ned’ could continue to be used to describe teenagers, but the terms ‘yob’ and ‘plooky wee bastard’ would also be permitted. Heroin addicts can now be called ‘smackheads,’ ‘junkie scumbags’ and ‘pin cushions.’

Pensioners will also be affected with terms such as ‘coffin dodgers,’ ‘the living dead’ and ‘piss-stained geriatrics’ now considered acceptable. Others affected include ‘jobseekers’, who can now be called ‘scroungers’ or ‘socialists’. Meanwhile, men who live alone can now be called ‘paedophiles.’

Communities Minister Margaret Curran backed the new terms of abuse, saying: “It is essential for the safety of all our local communities that people are easily pigeon-holed and labelled in order that decent, law-abiding people are equipped to protect themselves.
QUIET LONER FUCKWIT FURY
Self-styled quiet loner Joe Heenan was cleared today by the high court Edinburgh of all charges relating to the so-called "name a quiet person" campaign.
a nerd
Joe Heenan
Heenan's solicitor told waiting reporters, "The verdict vindicates not only my client, but all people who can't be arsed smiling and nodding at a bunch of fuckwits."

Denny Town Council, who brought the action, face a legal bill of £2m. Committe leader Mary Donohoe declined to comment but is said by insiders to be beside herself.

In his summation, judge Neil McFarlane commended the jury on their grasp of the issues and was seen later to be drinking aftershock with the jury foreman.

The Heenan case ignited passions from both sides of the political spectrum and the media at large. Daytime TV personality Kilroy Silk was blasted by womens' groups for suggesting that the modern single person is often neither a demented killer nor a passive wallflower.

Email wreckered with your personal experience of quiet lonerdom.
FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE SEEN ON A9
Terrified motorists claim to have seen the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse on Scotland's notorious A9 road between Pitlochry and Auchterarder. A police spokesman confirmed reports of the sighting, but declined further comment other than to point out poor visibility and tricky driving conditions over the weekend.

Driver Helen Sinclair told wreckered "This was no illusion. I had to swerve to avoid Pestilence."

Trucker Alan Yeoman said, "I pulled over immediately and telephoned the police. By the time they arrived, the four horsemen had disappeared. I saw one officer use an evidence bag to collect what could be dung of the apocalypse."
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