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Edwin
Starr
Seventies funk icon under fire from MoD |
MOD MAN CLAIMS
TO KNOW WHAT WAR IS GOOD FOR
The MoD came under fire yesterday for claiming to know what war is good
for. Top brass are said to have denounced funk icon Edwin Starr as an
idiot for claiming that war is good for absolutely nothing. They blasted
him too for asking people to "say it again."
"The build
up to war can often help an economy", said Major Tim Black, "And
the opportunities after a conflict for Western companies to repair the
loser's country are well documented. Also, the TV footage of bombings
and so-forth can be awesome."
Holly Johnson of 80's gay rockers Frankie Goes to Hollywood backed his
funk icon hero. "We did a version of the song "War" because
we feel that Edwin spoke the truth. Truth is a powerful weapon. As is
the power of love, which comes from above."
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syrup
ant
Similar to the ants which feasted on the flesh of agony aunt Priscilla
Keith. |
AGONY AUNT -
MY AUNT AGONY
TV agony aunt Priscilla Keith told of her terrifying ordeal while on
safari with her husband David in South Africa.
"I was captured
by safari bandits and dragged to a clearing", she told a shocked
book signing in Edinburgh. "They tied me to an anthill. They covered
me in a type of jungle syrup and poked sticks into the anthill. The
ants feasted on my flesh. The agony was unbearable"
It was only when
a park ranger patrol arrived and stumbled upon the scene that Priscilla's
agony ended. But even then the agony did not end. The ensuing gunfight
killed two of the bandits but left David fighting for life after being
shot in the eyebrow.
Fortunately David
he has made an almost full recovery. "He's fine" said Priscilla,
"Although, to be honest, he can't hold a tune as well as he used
to."
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Health Minister's
Xmas Warning
Health Minister Malcolm
Gismo today issued a response to the latest tuberculosis scare, warning
anyone drinking over the Christmas period to beware of the possible symptoms
of the infection. "Anyone who suffers vomiting, dizziness or incoherent
verbal outbursts after drinking more than they normally do, should seek
medical help. Medical staff will be only too pleased to have Accident
& Emergency wards full to the brim of drunken party-goers worried about
TB."
The real danger may be that symptoms go unnoticed until the following
morning. "Headaches and bouts of the squirts are indicators of TB. They
must be treated immediately with poultices and leeches."
5 million leeches are on their way from Iraq to deal with the epidemic.
Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein is still the most evil man in the universe
apart from Skeletor.
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SHROUD OF SANTA
FOUND
Historians claim to have found the shroud of Saint Nicholas, the original
Santa Claus.
Jurgen Glotte, of the Norway Institute, said "We are 90% sure that
this is the actual cloth in which St Nicholas' body was wrapped. You can
clearly see the outline of what appears to be a big red hat with a bobbly
bit."
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Sex swap fight
over pony in a bathroom
Is a headline from
the Daily Record of 12 December. We make no comment.
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