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Asteroid still on course

The massive asteroid reported last month as heading for earth is still on course and coming this way. Boffins estimate that it will collide with Earth in 2019, wiping out all known life on the planet apart from cockroaches and peas.
panic
An unnamed boffin says "there is no reason to panic - it might never happen, who knows ?"
shop
We say take out as many credit cards as you can and shop like a mutha****** right to the bitter end.
No nickname agony of Gers star
Rangers star Michael Ball blasted his teammates for not giving him a nickname. "Its unfair", said Ball.,
"I mean, Lorenzo Amoruso gets called Amo, Maurice Ross is Mo and Barry Ferguson gets called Fergie and he gets called Bazza and he also gets called Baz. That's three nicknames for just one player.."

Full story in sports
Gers star Michael Ball

Michael Ball

Coma Boy in miracle recovery
Coma Boy was last night said to be comfortable after a miracle recovery. Following a massive battle against Thordar and his minions, Coma Boy - whose super powers allow him to place evildoers in a coma - was taken to hospital with a suspected sore leg. Speaking from his hospital bed, Coma Boy said "I thank the people for their good wishes, cards and fruit.
My leg is much better. It is a miracle."



This edition in newsbox
Big Cat Seen in Oban
Boiled Sweets Scare
Scot Not in Porn Romp
Loch Ness Webcam
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Warning contains adult and mature content.
Stunning XXX pics
Scotland’s real Big Brother houses - the shocking truth
Big Brother may provide entertainment for millions of TV viewers but wreckered investigations reveal many people across Scotland are forced to live in real-life Big Brother houses, operated by their local authority.
victims
The controversial scheme was first introduced in Edinburgh City Council as a means of punishing anti-social tenants and several more councils have since signed up.Among the victims – who are voted out by city councillors – were couple Rob and Sue Crawley. Rob, an unemployed phone pest, said: “We were treated like hamsters in a maze and it was really degrading to have our every move monitored by elected members.”
stunts
Blonde wife Sue (25) added: “We feel like we have been shat on.” This is not the first time a local authority has been inspired by a game show. In 1989, Fife Regional Council forced tenants with rent arrears to perform a series of humiliating stunts until they had collected enough crystals to pay off their debts.
picture of Jade
Big Brother
star Jade

Anti-drug protestors “can’t get their shit together”
Scotland’s selfless army of anti-drug campaigners – Wreckered readers just like you – have come under fire in a new report from a government think tank.
slick
The controversial report said: “It is ironic that demos for the legalisation of cannabis - where presumably everyone is stoned - tend to be slick, well marketed and clear in their goals, whereas anti-drug protests are incoherent, lacking clarity and are, at times, nonsensical. It is clear that many lessons can be learned from the pro-cannabis lobby.”
okay
Wreckered Against Drugs says this report will simply send out the message to Scotland’s kids that it’s okay to inject themselves with heroin.
picture of protestors
protestors

Yoko Ono Yoko "I made Lennon quit"
The furore surrounding Neil Lennon's recent retirement from international football took another twist last night when it was revealed that former Beatle wifeYoko Ono had spoken to Lennon about his future. Her advice was clear: quit for the sake of your karma.

crossroad

Ono (106) spoke out last night to clear up any confusion. 'Neil's stars are at a crossroad now. His Elbow is in conflict with Uranus. The eagles are flying with the sparrows, and he should guard against swimming with the fishes, see?'
loyalist
In a last-ditch effort to save face, the loyalist terror group the LVF denied that they had threatened Neil Lennon, but took responsibility for the death of Eleanor Rigby and the subsequent misinformation that resulted in no-one attending her funeral.
'Nobody came,' said a still-distraught Father McKenzie yesterday.


Neil Lennon
Neil Lennon

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