Independence

My first kiss..

Was under the mistletoe one Christmas when I was eleven. To this day, whenever I see a long tongue, I think of Uncle Stuart.

Scotland Fucked If It Becomes Scotland

Business leaders warn of the dangers of independence. No paradox evident.

Recent claims claim that if Scots were to vote for independence, a plague of HIV and mice would bring death and poverty to innocent people.

A Coalition/New Labour think tank also claims that the notion of independence for Scotland has led many business leaders to flee the country, fearing that self-determination would cause their dicks to be measured in public.

Inward investment is said to have fallen by 18% in the last financial year, measured against a basket of currencies.

Further, a rise of 8% in the seasonally adjusted total of indigenous junkies has seen an 8% decrease in the number of foreign junkies - leading many to give credence to claims that drug dealers are targetting Scottish junkies at the expense of immigrant junkies.

Brendan Parker, of right-wing think tank Freedom to Punish, points to the rise of renewables as a probable cause for the statistics: "We never had these problems before people started harnessing the so-called power of the tides."