THE FIAT SEMI-TONE
The world of tiny cars was rocked by Fiat's latest contribution
to the economy debate - the Semi-Tone. Seen here before being tested
by auto journos, the Semi-Tone promises fuel efficiency of up to
103 mpg and a top speed of 85 mph. Advance orders are said to be
"steady and encouraging" as the consumer muses over this
latest addition to the small car market. With oil prices rising
again and ecology a growing concern for the modern motorist, Fiat
may well have struck gold with this unassuming and reasonably priced
runabout. |
Wreckered road test
I took the Semi-Tone for a spin around the crowded streets of Glasgow
and found myself both delighted and disgusted by this car. Overall,
and there is not a lot of all anywhere over this car, it delivers
what it says on the tin - tremendous fuel economy at the expense
of style, looks, power and reliability. Yes, you can park it between
two fat women talking in a bus shelter and yes, the whole thing
will fit in the back of a Luton van -but could you really cope with
the amount of dog's abuse, laughter and finger-pointing which would
bedevil every mile of every journey you ever make? I put it to the
test..
On the road
The back tyres have been replaced by a galvanised synthetic-rubber
coated tube which wraps around the back axle like sponge around
the ice cream in an old-fashioned Arctic Roll. While this
innovation provides great stability, turning round corners
takes half an hour. In the car park outside our offices, I
spent most of Tuesday morning doing a three point turn trying
to get the bastard to face the street.
Eventually we got rolling and found the car
to be a very pleasant ride. The big wide back tyre brought
not only comfort, but grudgingly admiring glances from a group
of Hells Angels who up till then had been driving alongside
and throwing pies at me.
280 bhp at 40 km/h in 0-60 at 24.8 seconds delivers a respectable
1st set lead of 5 games to 3 with only the pink to think of
in a built up zone.
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In the cabin
The Semi-Tone comes standard as a 2 seater. A surprising 38cm
of space between the driver's head rest and the back window
leaves adequate space for biscuits or a lizard. It is in the
cabin that the ecological New Age innovations are most apparent.
A preset sensor in the steering wheel senses road rage onset
by monitoring heart and pulse rate and passing instruction
to a series of "calming" devices. When road rage
levels are likely, a soothing ylang- ylang moisturiser is
sprayed in microscopic mist over the driver's face. The usual
horn sound is replaced by sixteen bars of whale song.
In keeping with the bio-degradable philosophy of the Semi-Tone,
the dashboard is made of wax, the gear stick is made out of
a carbon sealed banana and the seats are stuffed with the
charity shop clothes so horrible that even the most destitute
had said "No thanks".
This car's aspirations are worthy, but it looks like a pile
of crap and it drives like a tank using mogadon for fuel.
Save your money and your self respect - get the bus.
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Overall rating: 
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PHONACLAVA TO STORM
EUROPE
The latest in hands-free gadgetry is set to storm Europe and
comes in the form of a balaclava with built in bluetooth technology
. The Phonaclava has swept Japan and will shortly be available in
the UK, offering drivers a host of essential features including
hands-free mobile kit, wi-fi, hi-fi, UV bluetooth, infra-red messaging,
deep purple wizardry and a telescopic ariel capable of picking up
picture messages from the moon.
Availalable in red, black or silver, the Phonaclava is set to wow
the British market and replace traditional hands-free systems with
a new and integrated balaclava-like delivery platform. The deluxe
model includes a radar gun detector in the chinpiece providing real
time data streams to the rest of the balaclava. Glosso 17 Industries
promise a host of add-ons including personalised
voicemail messages, ringtones and a series of "fun antlers".
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Phonaclava designer Yoshio Taguro told wreckered, "It is basically
a balaclava with batteries and all that stuffed inside it. There's
a bit behind the right ear where you can put in a new simcard."
He offered his analysis of the Phonaclava craze which has swept Japan
like a phenomenon. "People just lke to feel that they can drive
in an open top vehicle and be able to use a hands-free system but
yet retain some informal privacy from within a balaclava."
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| NEXT MONTH: Glove compartments shocking
truth. We reveal the contents of your glove compartments.
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SPEED CAMERAS IN THE SKY
Using the same technology as the UAV drones employed by the
US military, British traffic cops are set to enlist a new weapon
in the war against drivers - flying speed cameras. The UAC (unmanned
ariel camera) devices can fly for 8 hours over huge distances
while being controlled from afar by a police technician in a
Virtual Traffic Control Centre. The camera drones can also be
programmed to fly in pre-set flight paths, for instance snapping
unwary speeders over a particular 50 mile stretch of the M6.
"It is nothing less than flying CCTV coverage" said
traffic cop Andy McPartland.
The plan has brought combined outrage from an unlikely alliance
of human rights groups and motoring organisations. John Ross,
spokesperson for "Freedom to Throttle" told wreckered
"Once more we see the grasping claw of the nanny state
clenched around the throat of liberty." Nigel Buckland,
currently taking a year out, dismissed the protests of drivers,
but sounded a note of warning. "It's, like, machine against
machine. The spy planes are watching the cars. In, like, ten
years, humans will be assimilated - sort of like a Borg thing."
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FIFE VILLAGE TO INTRODUCE
CONGESTION CHARGING
From our
Fife correspondent Keith Foster
A Fife village is set to follow Edinburgh’s lead and introduce
congestion charging in an attempt to reduce its traffic levels.
Residents in Thornton, in Central Fife, hope the move will prevent
outsiders from passing through their village. David Crichton,
chairman of the local community council said: “There’s
no need for anyone who doesn’t live here to ever come
here, yet Main Street’s still dead busy. I mean, there’s
a f****** bypass and everything.”
Fife Council issued a statement saying that the Thornton Bypass
– constructed in the early 80's following public consultation
which suggested that most Fife residents would be quite happy
if Thornton was completely forgotten about – has proven
to be a success, yet the local authority is supportive of the
charging scheme: “People have had the option to pretend
Thornton doesn’t exist for over twenty years now. We’re
confident that, by charging motorists to enter Thornton, nobody
who shouldn’t be there will ever go there.”
Asked if he was worried that congestion charging may deter tourists
from visiting Thornton, Mr Crichton made no comment, choosing
instead to smirk. Both the community council and the local authority
are hopeful the scheme will prove more successful than a similar
scheme in Oakley, near Dunfermline, which attempted to charge
motorists for not entering their village. The scheme was eventually
abandoned on the grounds it was mental. |
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