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Edition # 11
Car news with Jason Mack - the spy in the cab
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the spy in the cab
I've Got A Semi
THE FIAT SEMI-TONE

The world of tiny cars was rocked by Fiat's latest contribution to the economy debate - the Semi-Tone. Seen here before being tested by auto journos, the Semi-Tone promises fuel efficiency of up to 103 mpg and a top speed of 85 mph. Advance orders are said to be "steady and encouraging" as the consumer muses over this latest addition to the small car market. With oil prices rising again and ecology a growing concern for the modern motorist, Fiat may well have struck gold with this unassuming and reasonably priced runabout.

Wreckered road test
I took the Semi-Tone for a spin around the crowded streets of Glasgow and found myself both delighted and disgusted by this car. Overall, and there is not a lot of all anywhere over this car, it delivers what it says on the tin - tremendous fuel economy at the expense of style, looks, power and reliability. Yes, you can park it between two fat women talking in a bus shelter and yes, the whole thing will fit in the back of a Luton van -but could you really cope with the amount of dog's abuse, laughter and finger-pointing which would bedevil every mile of every journey you ever make? I put it to the test..

On the road
The back tyres have been replaced by a galvanised synthetic-rubber coated tube which wraps around the back axle like sponge around the ice cream in an old-fashioned Arctic Roll. While this innovation provides great stability, turning round corners takes half an hour. In the car park outside our offices, I spent most of Tuesday morning doing a three point turn trying to get the bastard to face the street.

Eventually we got rolling and found the car to be a very pleasant ride. The big wide back tyre brought not only comfort, but grudgingly admiring glances from a group of Hells Angels who up till then had been driving alongside and throwing pies at me.

280 bhp at 40 km/h in 0-60 at 24.8 seconds delivers a respectable 1st set lead of 5 games to 3 with only the pink to think of in a built up zone.


In the cabin
The Semi-Tone comes standard as a 2 seater. A surprising 38cm of space between the driver's head rest and the back window leaves adequate space for biscuits or a lizard. It is in the cabin that the ecological New Age innovations are most apparent. A preset sensor in the steering wheel senses road rage onset by monitoring heart and pulse rate and passing instruction to a series of "calming" devices. When road rage levels are likely, a soothing ylang- ylang moisturiser is sprayed in microscopic mist over the driver's face. The usual horn sound is replaced by sixteen bars of whale song.

In keeping with the bio-degradable philosophy of the Semi-Tone, the dashboard is made of wax, the gear stick is made out of a carbon sealed banana and the seats are stuffed with the charity shop clothes so horrible that even the most destitute had said "No thanks".

This car's aspirations are worthy, but it looks like a pile of crap and it drives like a tank using mogadon for fuel. Save your money and your self respect - get the bus.

Overall rating:



PHONACLAVA TO STORM EUROPE

The latest in hands-free gadgetry is set to storm Europe and comes in the form of a balaclava with built in bluetooth technology . The Phonaclava has swept Japan and will shortly be available in the UK, offering drivers a host of essential features including hands-free mobile kit, wi-fi, hi-fi, UV bluetooth, infra-red messaging, deep purple wizardry and a telescopic ariel capable of picking up picture messages from the moon.

Availalable in red, black or silver, the Phonaclava is set to wow the British market and replace traditional hands-free systems with a new and integrated balaclava-like delivery platform. The deluxe model includes a radar gun detector in the chinpiece providing real time data streams to the rest of the balaclava. Glosso 17 Industries promise a host of add-ons including personalised voicemail messages, ringtones and a series of "fun antlers".


Phonaclava designer Yoshio Taguro told wreckered, "It is basically a balaclava with batteries and all that stuffed inside it. There's a bit behind the right ear where you can put in a new simcard." He offered his analysis of the Phonaclava craze which has swept Japan like a phenomenon. "People just lke to feel that they can drive in an open top vehicle and be able to use a hands-free system but yet retain some informal privacy from within a balaclava."

NEXT MONTH: Glove compartments shocking truth. We reveal the contents of your glove compartments.

SPEED CAMERAS IN THE SKY
Using the same technology as the UAV drones employed by the US military, British traffic cops are set to enlist a new weapon in the war against drivers - flying speed cameras. The UAC (unmanned ariel camera) devices can fly for 8 hours over huge distances while being controlled from afar by a police technician in a Virtual Traffic Control Centre. The camera drones can also be programmed to fly in pre-set flight paths, for instance snapping unwary speeders over a particular 50 mile stretch of the M6. "It is nothing less than flying CCTV coverage" said traffic cop Andy McPartland.
The plan has brought combined outrage from an unlikely alliance of human rights groups and motoring organisations. John Ross, spokesperson for "Freedom to Throttle" told wreckered "Once more we see the grasping claw of the nanny state clenched around the throat of liberty." Nigel Buckland, currently taking a year out, dismissed the protests of drivers, but sounded a note of warning. "It's, like, machine against machine. The spy planes are watching the cars. In, like, ten years, humans will be assimilated - sort of like a Borg thing."


FIFE VILLAGE TO INTRODUCE CONGESTION CHARGING
From our Fife correspondent Keith Foster

A Fife village is set to follow Edinburgh’s lead and introduce congestion charging in an attempt to reduce its traffic levels. Residents in Thornton, in Central Fife, hope the move will prevent outsiders from passing through their village. David Crichton, chairman of the local community council said: “There’s no need for anyone who doesn’t live here to ever come here, yet Main Street’s still dead busy. I mean, there’s a f****** bypass and everything.”

Fife Council issued a statement saying that the Thornton Bypass – constructed in the early 80's following public consultation which suggested that most Fife residents would be quite happy if Thornton was completely forgotten about – has proven to be a success, yet the local authority is supportive of the charging scheme: “People have had the option to pretend Thornton doesn’t exist for over twenty years now. We’re confident that, by charging motorists to enter Thornton, nobody who shouldn’t be there will ever go there.”

Asked if he was worried that congestion charging may deter tourists from visiting Thornton, Mr Crichton made no comment, choosing instead to smirk. Both the community council and the local authority are hopeful the scheme will prove more successful than a similar scheme in Oakley, near Dunfermline, which attempted to charge motorists for not entering their village. The scheme was eventually abandoned on the grounds it was mental.
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